If Jewellery Commercials Were Honest

Thought this was funny, and not that far from the truth in many high end jewellery stores that play on your emotions.

Let me guess, shopping for someone special? These are some pretty rocks we found. They can’t be used for anything and they all cost an exorbitant amount of money.

Some come in shapes and others come with metal wrapped around them. To get them we turn a blind eye to child labourers in the mines directly financed unsustainable mining practices the world over and in some cases buy diamonds directly from maniacal warlords using the money to buy guns and kill their countrymen.

You might think that the danger involved is why they’re so expensive but actually it’s just because we decided they are. There are vaults full of these things but we only sell a few a year to keep the price up like a ticket scalper except that a scalped ticket can be exchanged for the experience of going to a live show and these are inherently worthless rocksĀ like this one, one of my favourites.

This is from our signature shiny rock that we found collection, it’s sure to make that special someone think, “you’re willing to spend too much money on something that shouldn’t cost that much money.” That’s love.

Actually full disclosure, this is cubic zirconia, it looks basically the same but it costs almost nothing. So we use it as a show model. I’ve got a yellow one and I’ve got one shaped like a square, I call these ones ‘fancy’, so we can charge more. Of course if you’re trying to coat an industrial drill, then real diamonds work better otherwise glass is fine but please buy diamonds instead because they cost so much more.

What about that one? Oh, that’s not a jewel, that’s just a pretty rock, it’s worthless. Alan, stop putting rocks in the display case unless you put the rocks in that we arbitrarily decided that are worth a lot of money. Sorry.

Hard to find good help these days when you sell shiny rocks at the mall to idiots. Oh, no offence. So come on down to shiny rock mall store and trade your rectangular pieces of paper and assorted metal disks for these rocks we found. We also accept that you hand us a plastic rectangle and we run it through a computer and hand it back to you. Oh, I’m Roger by the way.